I don’t usually share very intimate things from my life, but I like to share bits that, in my perception, might help others.
I still have a lot to process and integrate from the discoveries I made at the “Inspired Money Alchemy” workshop by Monica Ion in September.
It was a context very different from others I’ve experienced so far, and as different as it was, it was equally intense.
Although I’ve discovered a lot in the time I’ve worked on myself, it was the first time I could see with such clarity the puzzle or the red thread, at least up to this point in my existence here.
Things settled clearly, and I could see the meaning of the major events that have happened so far in my life.
As a child, my mother had a period when she was very ill, and there were long times when I didn’t know if she would survive or not. To make a short story long, for various reasons, that’s when the savior pattern was formed, which has governed almost my entire existence and which I am still transforming today.
Being the main attachment figure, like any child whose survival depends on it, I understood then that I had to save, take care, protect if I wanted to survive.
I could see very clearly how until around 30 and a bit years old, that’s how I knew to survive.
All relevant relationships, regardless of their nature, everything I did in business and in any important aspect for me, were from this dynamic.
I haven’t grown businesses worth tens of millions, but I’ve grown a few people worth millions because that was relevant to me (even though I thought it was something else). There were dozens of social cases I got involved in, and people to whom I dedicated myself or for whom I was ready to die.
But living for others, to your detriment, is not sustainable, as some of you probably already know.
So, it became clear to me also the moments when I wasn’t attentive and didn’t know how to see the feedback I kept receiving from life, until one day when I (unconsciously) created a context where there was no one left around me to save.
I understood why I made certain decisions, consciously or not, why I left many circles, why I chose to give up teams, why I “did everything to end up alone.”
But that moment brought with it the biggest identity crisis I’ve had up to this age. I no longer found my place, I no longer saw my purpose, I no longer woke up in the morning with pleasure, I saw no sense in anything I was doing.
A very violent depression, the details of which I will not go into now.
Surely, everything transforms, and so appeared Ares, who “needs me,” a dog who, not coincidentally, has special needs, with many problems from birth, half blind… almost amusing, right?
But his needs are different…so, with no more people around me to save… I had no choice but to focus on myself. And to start “saving” myself.
One of my biggest struggles in the last 2 years was that I was left without a purpose. Hence the multitude of things I chose to do during this period. I couldn’t find anything to connect with, nothing that made me vibrate and made me wake up eagerly and enthusiastically in the morning. As I’ve been used to… almost all my life.
In the period after the workshop, I made peace with an important part of myself. Because finally, I understood that I don’t know how to operate from this space where I am now.
I today am neither ready to sacrifice myself for something or someone, nor to die for a cause, nor too much. And yes, I know I’m probably in the other extreme and it will take a while until I find my balance.
But I’m fine with that, I’m at peace, and I can’t describe the feeling of liberation I had. Nor how it is to breathe after you take something off your chest, because it’s very hard to carry, to judge yourself day by day.
Today, I’m discovering and working on my relationship with myself, day by day. I don’t know what will follow from here, because sometimes I feel like I’m just learning to walk. But I’m calm, because I trust that things will settle when and how they should.
I don’t know if my realization was of any use to you or not.
But if you find yourself judging yourself often, not knowing which way to go, not understanding why things “happen to you”… trust that nothing is accidental.
Just try to be kinder to yourself, give yourself more love, because you are the only one you can always rely on. And with whom you will always stay, no matter where life takes you.
With care,
David
