At the meeting with my #mastermind colleagues this week, we discussed, among other things, about setting goals (not necessarily business goals, but rather personal, life goals, etc.) and how to maintain motivation in the long run.
At one point, one of my colleagues was talking about an exercise from the (probably) famous book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” by Steven Covey, which he calls “Visualizing the Funeral,” if I remember correctly. It’s been a few years since I read the book.
In short, the exercise involves imagining your own funeral and what you would like people to say about you.
…Silence. I didn’t hear what he said next, because I suffered an emotional hijacking, to put it in more current terms.
Before it was my turn to speak, I searched through my notes because I couldn’t remember the name of the doctor who conducted a study that concluded: “The greatest stress felt by humans comes from the enormous effort most of us make to be someone other than who we are.” (I also found the note to tell my colleagues, Janos Selye was his name)
Now, a short disclaimer: in the book, Covey recommends reflecting on the legacy you want to leave in the world and using it more as a guide to living a meaningful or purposeful life for yourself.
But sure, I’m writing this now, after I’ve breathed, calmed down, and can use my full brain.
But let me tell you why hearing that derailed me.
I’m sick and tired of this “What will people say?” It’s a lesson that I, too, have learned and for which I have paid a high enough cost—as high as I was attached to the image I was protecting—because what will people say?
I’m sick of the fact that a lot of people don’t live fulfilled and authentic lives because of what others will say.
Of how many children grow up in dysfunctional families, because what will people say, or mom, or dad, or the mayor, if we divorce.
Of how many people in this world hide abuse, out of shame, because what will people say if they find out.
Of how many people choose to stay in various roles, or professions, or careers, because what will people say if they quit, or if tomorrow they want to be painters.
Of how many people commit suicide because they don’t meet the standards. Or because they can’t bear the shame that comes with what people say.
I could go on forever. And yes, because I’m not at peace with myself for the times I decided based on what people say.
Or to think about what people will say about you when you die… and to choose how to live your life based on that, for me, is a kind of slow suicide.
Who the fuck cares what will they say?!
Really, the world doesn’t care about me. Or you. There are a handful of people for whom our death will matter, maybe 2-3 generations who will remember us… And that’s about it. At some point, no one will know or surely no one will care.
Life goes on for everyone, anyway.
And let me tell you how I see things and how I would change the “exercise”.
Instead of asking ourselves what I would like others to say about us, why not ask ourselves:
What would I like to tell myself when I die?
How should I live so that I am at peace with myself and the life I have led? Or with the things I have done?
Do I have regrets or not?
Are there things I wanted to do and didn’t do for reasons that now seem irrelevant to me?
Did I remain angry with people because I didn’t have the courage to tell them I was sorry? Or the power to accept that I was wrong?
Did I do things that filled my soul with joy or did I seek more to please others?
Am I fulfilled with what I’ve done? Do I go in peace or full of regrets?
And there are many more, but I think you already got the idea.
I choose to live my life today based on one principle: to do as much as possible of the things that make me happy to do. That brings me meaning. That I don’t have to struggle with and drain all my energy, just because I have to. Or because it pays the bills.
And the KPI I use to measure is how faithfully I can express on the outside what I have on the inside. And it’s a process that will probably last a lifetime.
No. I don’t always live like that. I don’t do only things I like or enjoy. I don’t always choose authentically. Sometimes, even though I feel like doing one thing, I do the opposite—either because I’m not emotionally ready, I avoid pain, or I’m just scared or don’t have the courage.
I don’t even think I’ll ever reach 100%. BUT,
I am aware of what I want. And I do what I know and what I can, either alone or with the help of others when I need it, so that I increase the number of those things that make me happy and not fall below a critical number.
This critical number is very, very important.
In the end, I would ask you: Do you live and make decisions more based on what you love, what inspires you, what fulfills you, and what makes you happy?
Or more based on what others will say and what others want for you?
My belief is that what’s standing between us and a life lived authentically is only the power to follow our own path or more simply… the courage to be ourselves.
David
